I did the gay parade with my group today and as I said before, it turned out to be a good experience. Not bad for a beginner organizer like myself.
I’m starting out with a happy note just like how my day started out. What do you know, one bad conversation is enough to shatter my self confidence that the day will end well with no pesky negative thoughts said outwardly. Oooh I can assure you I have countless bad thoughts and negative feelings about some people and some things but I manage to curb it and just be smiley all happy to be in the parade. Then this woman struck a conversation, and somehow I was led to say the negative things I thought of and several people shot me down fairly quick saying I shouldn’t be judgmental. Well, aren’t they being judgmental too by saying that I am judgmental?
I am constantly worried about having negative thoughts and saying it out loud, it’s almost like I’m afraid to speak, or even if I’m not I feel like why should I bother anyway, every time I open my mouth people will just counter attack me. It’s a worthless effort.
I analyze my feelings and do self introspection a lot. When I got home, I was thinking about how my day went and regret the fact that I bite the bait and let on on how I felt. I also feel this overwhelming urge to see Wendy just to hang out and seek solace from her. I’ve been wishing a lot lately that I could just tell her how I truly feel and ask her to hug me and cuddle. It doesn’t need to be sexual at all, I just want to have some skin contact. As I was thinking of how horrible I was to her last week and yet she still treated me nicely, she even invited me out to NY which I regretfully have to reject but the point is, I realized that she is the only one left that stuck by me, who understands me more than anyone else, not completely but who does anyways. I can’t say I’m in love with her, I’m still learning to understand what love means to me, I know I love my parents and I love Wendy as a good friend but I’m not sure it’s a romantic love.
I learn to speak my mind and not hold my feelings inside whenever something someone did hurt me. I have to keep checking myself and do it in moderation but it’s a start. I give myself good pep talks whenever I’m feeling down and I can list my good attributes. Baby steps.
I have been using this blog as an online diary. In the beginning it was to unleash my bad moods and tell the stories which I can’t tell anyone, not because I can’t but because I didn’t think they want to listen to me complaining. Lately the tone has changed, it’s lighter and happier. I like this change. I am not going to force it and lie to myself just to make it sound like I’m so much happier now. Because it’s not true, my nature is a worrier. I plan things. A control freak, my first instinct is to react negatively, be it in mind or physically. I’m trying to change this and it can be tiring some days. I still can’t be a full on socialite butterfly, I need my break and be alone. I talk to myself when I’m feeling disgruntled and trying to banish negative thoughts, if I don’t do this they won’t go away and I don’t want to keep feeling the heaviness of feeling angry over something I had no control of.
Speaking of a change, If I have to put it in numbers it would be 30% socializing and 70% hermit life. Which is an improvement from before of over 90% of being alone. I think therapy does work. It forces me to think about things I otherwise wouldn’t be thinking about, or to finally do something about things I know I should. I’ve been wanting a change and I understand the process can be slow, but patience is a virtue. I will be a better person in the long run. I know I’m going to like the new me.
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