I haven’t write anything in the past week, I know. I’ve been busy with life, mostly with my focus on losing weight. I started weight training and cardio. To my surprise, I discovered that I love training and I’ve been swimming almost every other day. I loved swimming as a kid and I enjoy the opportunity that I could, once again, go back to it as an adult. The result so far is good, I lost 4 pounds in 2 weeks and I’m proud of myself =). From 261 lbs to 257 lbs, still 56 lbs more to go. I’m not aiming for an ambitious goal because I know myself. I’ll go crazy pushing myself to the limit and it’s not good. I like to do this slow and easy and I thought it would be hard and well, it wasn’t too hard because I still eat anything I want, I just cut the portion to half. I don’t eat 3/5 times a day as advised. On the days that I work, as in making money, sometimes I only eat twice a day and it’s not even as much as I used to eat. I begin to incorporate a lot of walking, fruits and vegetables on my daily lives. I also drink more water. I feel so energized!
At first I got night sweats almost every night and I can’t go to sleep right away even though my body feels so tired. I discovered later that it’s a process. I haven’t work out like this in years, so the body needs a chance to breathe and get used to it. The past 3 days have been good because I was able to tire myself more and falling asleep is generally easy. The muscle soreness however, needed a bit more time to get used to although it’s getting better. I wonder if everyone who’s working out experience soreness everyday, no matter how little it is.
Besides deciding to live healthier and losing weight, I also decide to involve myself with something I had long abandoned: educating my parents on the matter of lesbianism. But first, I need to educate myself (I was flailing for answers when my mom asked questions.) so I bought several recommended books and read them. I planned to send these back home. I joined a pflag group last month and it was so good for my soul, I almost cried several times during conversations with several of the parents. They were so loving and accepting of their kids. This one dad told me how he was the one who had to coaxed his wife to be more supporting with the help of their lesbian daughter and I had wish my dad was also like that. I just can’t get over this resentment that even now I am still the black sheep of the family. Another skeleton in the family closet and a disappointment. I don’t know why I care, after all these years knowing this and yet I can’t shake the wanting to be accepted and to be viewed as a child they can be proud of. My dad especially, has expressed his view of me as this weak person who has no will to change my sexual orientation. He conclude my being gay as the influence of my friends, the tv, and living in America, while I see him as the one who’s comfortable in his ancient ways of seeing things. I have stated I am not the one to change as it can not be changed. They are the ones who needs to change.
In the midst of all that, I didn’t forget about the pressing matter in hands, namely my responsibility to managed my status and still going to school but at the time being, I want to enjoy life to the fullest. Que Sera Sera, whatever happens happens. I figured I will only have one year left so I want to do everything I can and see where things goes. I want to be happy, burdens be damned!
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