Doa Jadul

Ya jadi aku ketawa ga berenti2 setelah baca postingan cerita jadul di sepoci kopi berjudul “Si Jomblo Minta Jodoh” Ini kutipan doa si jomblo, (aku ga pernah doa ginian, tapi kayaknya mujarab deh…)

“Ya Tuhan, kalau dia memang jodohku, dekatkanlah…
Tapi kalau dia bukan jodohku, jodohkanlah….
Jika dia tidak berjodoh denganku, maka jadikanlah kami jodoh…
Kalau dia bukan jodohku, jangan sampai dia dapet jodoh dengan yang lain, selain diriku…
“Ya Tuhan, kalau dia tidak bisa dijodohkan denganku,
…jangan sampai dia dapet jodoh orang lain, biarkan dia tidak berjodoh sama seperti diriku…

Dan saat dia telah tidak memiliki jodoh, jodohkanlah kami kembali…
”Ya Tuhan, kalau dia jodoh orang lain, Putuskanlah! Jodohkanlah hanya
denganku….Jika dia tetap menjadi jodoh orang lain, biar orang lain itu ketemu
jodoh dengan yang lain dan kemudian Jodohkan kembali dia dengan ku….”
“Ya Tuhan yang maha pengasih. Kabulkanlah permohonanku…”
Amin.”

Dating…is confusing!

I met A through online dating website. She found me first actually, and I am glad she did. We begin by emailing back and forth until one day she proposed to meet and have our first date. I was elated and never actually thought someone would be more forward. I guess she wanted to see for herself if we would have any chemistry in the real world. Before that first date, we talked on the phone, once and she initiated it. Everything so far was a good sign.

Then we were on our first date and we both were nervous. It was so obvious like the pink elephant in the room nobody dare to point out but it was still awesome! I was sooooo happy and we both told each other we had a great time.

At the end of the date, we were supposed to pay the bill when she said she needed to go to the ATM and get cash, I offered to pay for dinner and that maybe she can get the next one…err…if there is going to be a second date of course. And by the grace of the Power that Be, she agreed! Huraaah!

Yep, and we had that second date this week, preluded by another short phone call where I agreed to come to her house party the day after when I had previously said no to the invitation. I thought it would be dangerous to be on a party where I don’t know anyone there but her and all her friends might be judging me. But…she invited me to this party during the first date people!

Okay, back to that second date. We were to say goodbye before she crossed the street and board the trolley, and just like the first date, we hugged..2 seconds longer and she gave me a kiss on the cheek!!! I reciprocate.

Last night, I was trying to hold her hand all night long, I just couldn’t muster my courage, it must be hiding somewhere between my tail. Sigh. She went around to greet and talk with her friends and I mingle, to give her space and do what people do at parties, while occasionally come around and join her conversation with her friend. A particular topic came out pretty often last night and every time someone ask it, I felt more and more we need to have that talk beforehand. “So…how do you two meet?” Awkward…especially because I keep finding myself turn to her for answer even when it’s clear that we met online. Gah!

So yeah, we didn’t talk much but she eventually circle back near me and we had a minute to sit down and talk. I opted to sit down on the floor really close to her and flirt with my eyes. I need to master the art of flirting by touch. -_-!

Around 10:30pm I thought it was time to say goodbye, so I came to her sitting on the floor, crouched down and…touch her shoulder and rubbing her back a bit but it was too intimate so I retracted my hand. Argh. I think Naomi must have seen it happen.

When I said goodbye, she hugged and again kiss me on the cheek, this time I didn’t reciprocate like earlier during the greeting. I felt a little disappointed and more than a little confused at the mixed signals she’s giving me.

I wonder if I’m getting too close too soon with my cheesy flirty messages in email and text. Or if I need to be more forward and just kiss her already. Am I going to let her make the first move? What if she’s waiting for ME to make the first move? Okay, before I’m getting ahead of myself, it seems that we are stuck on “kiss on the cheek”. How do I move it forward to kissing?

….

Should I? Very confused and not sure of myself and my like ability. But… she told me she’s going to board the bus to NYC, she even said she’ll call me Tuesday, for the third date. Two extreme options, the horror house or the kids museum. Haha… I don’t care which one as long as I get to hold her hand.

Life post Depression

Hi I’m back.

I know it’s been 4 months since I write anything here but I’ve been crazy busy trying to juggle my new life with work and everything else in between. The reason why I remembered to write you ask? Well…plenty of reasons.

First there was the being a core member and leader of a queer AAPI women/gnc group. It’s been exciting, educational and full of growth. Second, my journey in learning about myself and how the world seems filled with roses and candles. Then there’s….dating.

I guess this is why I’m back here. If I was a manga character, no matter how butch I am, I would still go “kyaaaaa!!!” over the fact that I finally have a date, with a girl who is into me as much as I’m into her after a long time of being chronically single.

I was and still am reeling over the fact that our first date went so smooth and we agreed to have a second date next week. Dare I hope by the third date I would like to kiss her… (deeeeep breath).

I want to make a list as a reminder of things I’ve accomplish these past 6 months.

Accomplishments:

1. Setting out to lose 40 pounds in 1 year

2. Going out more and joining a group of like minded people

3. Changing my outlook and view things more positively

4. Connecting more with parents

5. Continuing living a healthy life, physically and mentally

 

Goal yet to be reached:

1. Losing another 20 lbs by next June

2. Continue my life education

3. Saving more money and end school debt by the end of next year

4. Maintain the relationship built with friends, new and old

5. In a long term/serious relationship with someone

 

I’ll check back in maybe some months after, after all we all know when I’m happy I tend to forget this place, and if I’m ecstatic and about to burst with feelings and feel like I can’t tell anyone because I’m afraid to jinx it…then I visit. I want to change this safe space of mine from sad, depressing, angry, place into a happy, motivating, energizing one where I can go and post my happiness.

Until then.

My Dad’s Thinking Wheel

So my dad has come over to the dark side. Who can blame him, I mean we have delicious cookies ya’ know. Okay, all kidding aside, he surprised me when he started talking about how he’s been waiting to giving me some advice while he’s still alive and before he forget. Turns out he had been thinking about pornography…wait…! It’s actually sex, and hmmm…me and sex. Yes, awkwaaaard…. -_-! With the recent sex tape scandal of the Indonesian celebrities, he has, for some reason, start thinking about what if his daughter has a lover, which must be a woman, and that woman is bisexual, which mean she could be sleeping with a guy too, and that guy could be infected with HIV/AIDS and is now looking for revenge and therefore 2 scenarios exists. One, he might be mad that his girlfriend is also dating me and he’s looking for trouble, or two, he might be HIV positive and is looking for some warm bodies to house his fatal viruses. How’s that for complicated thinking eh?

I was trying my best not to laugh, but the notion that all bisexuals are promiscuous doesn’t sit right with me, so I felt it was my duty to enlightened my dad who was obviously trying to connect with me. Then…he repeated those words again, “I just want you to be careful, for when and if you have someone, and that person surely is a woman, just make sure she’s not bisexual with a boyfriend on the side. I trust you to know better and to avoid a slimy situation and to abide by the normality.” Whoaaah! My mind skidded to a halt. What was that I’m hearing?? Normal? You must jest, normal for me means being with a woman, as opposed to normal for him, a straight person, to be with a woman…so I asked him again, and he clarify that he wasn’t saying normal, but the norms. Ooookay…it’s even weirder that he thought I would be taping myself having sex or having a girlfriend who’s bisexual and dating/sleeping with a guy on the side. I decided not to think about it seriously and let it be counted as one of those weird things your parents, who knows nothing about lesbians, to think of.  Let it be known now, I plan to educate my dad of lesbianism.

Before today I have been able to tell my folks about my days and my recent increasing activities as a gay activist but we have never talked about my romantic relationships. They never ask and I never volunteer the information. Last month though, my mom had suddenly warned me about the danger of STDs and to always have safe sex. BAM! It hit me from nowhere, totally unprecedented and blind sided me.  Similarly, I’m overjoyed by the fact that my dad is taking the first step toward having an open conversation with me and my gay-as a three dollar bill-life but this interest in my sex life needs to stop, cause I don’t wanna tell them that these days my affairs are limited to my Hitachi and my left hand.

Happy Gay Pride Philly!!!

I did the gay parade with my group today and as I said before, it turned out to be a good experience. Not bad for a beginner organizer like myself.

I’m starting out with a happy note just like how my day started out. What do you know, one bad conversation is enough to shatter my self confidence that the day will end well with no pesky negative thoughts said outwardly. Oooh I can assure you I have countless bad thoughts and negative feelings about some people and some things but I manage to curb it and just be smiley all happy to be in the parade. Then this woman struck a conversation, and somehow I was led to say the negative things I thought of and several people shot me down fairly quick saying I shouldn’t be judgmental. Well, aren’t they being judgmental too by saying that I am judgmental?

I am constantly worried about having negative thoughts and saying it out loud, it’s almost like I’m afraid to speak, or even if I’m not I feel like why should I bother anyway, every time I open my mouth people will just counter attack me. It’s a worthless effort.

I analyze my feelings and do self introspection a lot. When I got home, I was thinking about how my day went and regret the fact that I bite the bait and let on on how I felt. I also feel this overwhelming urge to see Wendy just to hang out and seek solace from her. I’ve been wishing a lot lately that I could just tell her how I truly feel and ask her to hug me and cuddle. It doesn’t need to be sexual at all, I just want to have some skin contact. As I was thinking of how horrible I was to her last week and yet she still treated me nicely, she even invited me out to NY which I regretfully have to reject but the point is, I realized that she is the only one left that stuck by me, who understands me more than anyone else, not completely but who does anyways. I can’t say I’m in love with her, I’m still learning to understand what love means to me, I know I love my parents and I love Wendy as a good friend but I’m not sure it’s a romantic love.

I learn to speak my mind and not hold my feelings inside whenever something someone did hurt me. I have to keep checking myself and do it in moderation but it’s a start. I give myself good pep talks whenever I’m feeling down and I can list my good attributes. Baby steps.

I have been using this blog as an online diary. In the beginning it was to unleash my bad moods and tell the stories which I can’t tell anyone, not because I can’t but because I didn’t think they want to listen to me complaining. Lately the tone has changed, it’s lighter and happier. I like this change. I am not going to force it and lie to myself just to make it sound like I’m so much happier now. Because it’s not true, my nature is a worrier. I plan things. A control freak, my first instinct is to react negatively, be it in mind or physically. I’m trying to change this and it can be tiring some days. I still can’t be a full on socialite butterfly, I need my break and be alone.  I talk to myself when I’m feeling disgruntled and trying to banish negative thoughts, if I don’t do this they won’t go away and I don’t want to keep feeling the heaviness of feeling angry over something I had no control of.

Speaking of a change, If I have to put it in numbers it would be 30% socializing and 70% hermit life. Which is an improvement from before of over 90% of being alone. I think therapy does work. It forces me to think about things I otherwise wouldn’t be thinking about, or to finally do something about things I know I should. I’ve been wanting a change and I understand the process can be slow, but patience is a virtue. I will be a better person in the long run. I know I’m going to like the new me.

Getting a Personality Transplant

(Flippin’ Out…My therapist would be so proud of me.)

Today, I have a huge flipping out moment. It starts when Wendy receives a call from her male married boss who apparently is drunk and loves to drunk dial her. He hung up and decides to call again the second time. Wendy, being a caring person that she is, decides to make sure that he’s not gonna fall asleep or dead somewhere by keep talking to him over the phone. I was waiting for her to end the conversation and the whole time I was giving myself the pep talk, like “Don’t get mad, don’t get mad, this is how she is you know how she can get when people call her, her boss is drunk she’s just being a caring person…” Bla bla bla… but more and more this positive pep talk is sliding over to the darker side and now it becomes “Why should I take this kind of shit from her? Weren’t you thinking about not letting her always hurting your feelings and kept quiet about it? Why is she talking on the phone for longer than necessary even if it was her boss and he’s drunk? Where’s his wife who’s supposed to take care of him? Why IS SHE STILL TALKING ON THE PHONE? It’s been almost half an hour already!!” So with this I sign for her to end the call twice and she looks at me weird but she did end the call. Then I blew up on her. I told her how she always does this when she’s out with me but never when her daughter is there.

The whole time I said all those things my brain keep yelling at me “Stop stop! What are you doing?!!” In the end, she said sorry but couldn’t understand why such a trivial thing bothers me so much. I told her exactly how I felt that I’m not gonna take this shit or any other shit from her anymore and she apologized again explaining how she did this all the time with everyone and not just me and how she’s a fucked up person but I was so angry! I felt my body trembled  as I was trying to explain why I lost it but I don’t think she understand why I feel that it’s rude to talk on the phone for that long and ignore the person you are with. For me, there is an appropriate time frame as to how long you can take that call depending on the importance of the call. She said that in her world everybody does it, and it’s the social norm. There is no ‘supposed to’ or ‘should be’ or anything about taking a call for however long it is. Well you know what?! It for sure is not in mine! So now she feels like she needs to watch what she does and say in front of me for fear of offending me and I called her out on it the minute she asked me if this is the appropriate time of taking a call when another friend called her on her cell. I told her that this is why I never tell anybody when they hurt my feelings because now they either won’t hang out with me anymore or they just end up being cautious around me, just exactly how she feels right now.

What weirded me even more was the fact that I apologized for blowing up on her. I felt bad right after I said those things. Why should I feel bad? I don’t think I was in the wrong and yet my feelings tells me I should apologized. Wendy told me not to apologize, she’s glad that I’m able to be honest and let her know when she hurt my feelings and so there’s no need to apologize for being honest.

The episode definitely takes me back to the time when I was in middle school all through high school when I was a rough, uncaring but honest person. I didn’t care if people were scared of me, that they disliked me because of my personality. I didn’t give a damn of how they feel but this was before I moved to the U.S. I was also a person who said exactly what she feel. I don’t take shit from anybody and I wonder how I become this person who is so afraid of being lonely and rejected. As I grow older the worse it becomes. I used to not care what anybody thinks, but now apparently, the ‘take no shit and won’t let nobody walk all over me’ only applies to work situation and not personal relationships. It saddens me how I could become such a person.

I think it shocks us both, maybe it shock myself more than Wendy. Though I like this feeling of empowerment, it does come with a heavy price and that is knowing that not everybody is going to be happy and get used to the new me. It remains to be seen whether I’m gonna lose the  few friends I have with the ongoing transformation.

Oh well, you know when it’s time to do the spring cleaning and clean out your closet? I have a feeling it’s going to be that time soon.

How’s Life Lately

Hi. I know it’s been a while since I wrote anything in here. I’ve been busy with life and truthfully I’ve become less and less dependent on this online diary as a tool to balance my emotions. Today I just want to give an update of what I’ve been up to the past few months and maybe micro-scoping on a couple of things.   First up, my weight loss program. I’m happy to report that I’m down to 225 lbs, that means I have lost 36 lbs since June 18, 2009. I plan to keep on losing 1 pound per week until June 18th of this year, thereby completing my first goal of losing 40lbs + in a year.

The first thing I noticed as the pounds melted away was how I felt like swimming in my old clothing. It’s kind of hard to see your progress if your the one doing it but people have been noticing since pound 20 and recently I met someone I haven’t seen in 6 months. She said that I looked like I’ve lost a substantial amount of weight. *Happy* Yes I did!

I went on a little bit of a splurge last December up til February and bought myself a more fitting clothes which I now am swimming in, again. So I think I’ll hold off buying anymore until I complete my second goal to lose 30 lbs more. So far, I’ve lost a lot of inches on every part of my body. The most noticeable you ask? Well, my face, neck, chest and waist/mid section. Yep! The fat stubbornly stays on my thighs and butt, although I have lost 2 pants sizes but I feel like my upper body lost it waaaay faster than my lower body did because I went from XL to M. That’s 3 sizes!

Another update is on my status. The battle is finally over on February. I will be able to apply for my PR next year and hopefully the card will arrive within 6 months, cross my fingers. After that is another battle with USCIS to sponsor my parents Sigh…but it can wait, I don’t need to think about that now.

Now, my love life…yes what happened to it. Well, sad to say but it remains non existent and I’m still best friends with my left hand. I went on an online dating binge for 3 months and met with a variety of people, almost all ended up the same, psycho lesbians who doesn’t know what they want in life, partner and/or not even sure they’re into women! I mean, what the frack!!! I did meet a friend there and she said most lesbians are crazier than straight women. Now, I wonder if this is true. So in conclusion, I’m gonna try and meet real life people, in a social event/gathering/groups/etc aaaaaand…. My first attempt was met with a rejection due to my own misunderstanding. Yes, me the idiot who have non existent picking girl up skill. *deep breath*

So, today I’ve been beating myself up, grumbling, talking and even shouting to my idiot self, mainly to stop thinking about what a blunder this morning convo with KM was. *still grumbling a bit “you idiot, smack!”* As you can see, it’s not working, so I decided to beat myself up, physically, by walking to the gym from home, doing  a 10 min stationary bike and then a full hour of body pump class. How’s that for beating yourself up huh? Repeat this as needed if necessary until your brain is diarrhea free.

Last thing, my journey to find a center and stability in life in form of spiritual life. I went last weekend to a retreat in NYC and met with 20 something people, we had a good time and I truly enjoyed the discussion we have.  I don’t know how successful I’m gonna be in this journey t be honest but I’m gonna try because that little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me once in a while when I start to slip and not care anymore. Oh well, I’m gonna have a meeting with someone at the CA House so we’ll see if it’s going to be any help easing my confusion some more.

Updating done!

Soul Searching in the Bathroom

I never think that any day is a good day for some Soul Searching in the Bathroom. I don’t know what it is, but most of my lamentation and thought process – the important ones anyway – always happened in the bathroom. Today, I was taking a shower when a thought suddenly popped up in my mind. I had just watch “Up in the Air” where this conversation occurred between Natalie and Ryan. She told Ryan he basically set himself up so that he doesn’t have to care about relationships or anybody else for that matter. She called it, ‘a cocoon of self banishment’.  Ryan contradicted it by saying that it’s a life choice. So I started thinking, am I like George Clooney? Haha…no I meant Ryan.

Am I really setting a cocoon of self banishment for myself? Because I think a lot of the aspects of my life are finally moving to the right direction. I love my job and while I’m not exactly in love with my abode, I can deal with it for sometime before moving to someplace more tolerable. It’s just that what I had in mind is a small studio, here yet again that ‘cocoon’ thing popped up or maybe a self exile?

On June 18, 2009, I took the first step and began to take care of myself. I exercise everyday with watching my diet and meal portion and as a result I have lost 27 pounds. I’ve become more fashion conscious than ever now that I can fit into smaller size clothing. I have more self confidence too, but what if all of these are only a false lullaby tricking me into thinking that everything is fine but it’s not?

I think that with everything I’ve achieved the past year, I should be happy, regardless of the lack of romantic relationship or sex. Maybe that’s what was wrong, I shouldn’t think but feel more. Am I under the illusion that everything is under control? That the home front is finally okay? It might very well be true but on the inside, I cried from time to time because I yearned for something more intimate. Something that will drench my thirst of emotional connection. I purposely avoid any close connection with anyone precisely because it’s an act of self protection. A cocoon of self banishment where I fool myself in order not to be hurt, but instead, I was hurting myself all this time by not letting me have the chance of grabbing the happiness I sorely yearned.

So… Where do I go from here?

I’m baaaack!!

Wow! I haven’t been here since July 24th and boy do I feel great! The work out, the diet, the change of habits, they all work out for me. No pun intended. I’ve lost more than 15 lbs and still counting. I have a newfounded self confidence and most of all, my stress level goes waaaay down. I think realizing that a bit of self help can do you good is important and I am glad I listen to my professor.

I haven’t feel this happy – this calm – since forever. My life has always been in turmoil over one thing after another so it’s great not to constantly worry over my future every second, just take a deep breath and cleanse the brain. I stop over think things and let bygones be bygones. I’ve focused more on my well being, my health and I don’t mean just physically. Caring about oneself is also important.

Take it day by day not months by months. I also stopped listening to my dad’s pessimistic preachings. Do me no good and only brought me down. Not saying I turn a 180 and become an optimist in one night but I think being one will bring me places because optimist people don’t bring themselves down and keep trying and they won’t feel overly disappointed when things don’t go their way, instead, it’s like when one door closes, there will always be another one open and I intend to make it my personal motto from now on.

Anyways, I haven’t been back since because I’ve felt better than ever, I have nothing bad to report. No angst, maybe I cried once or twice but it’s not as often as before and it’s definitely not of self pity, just over some emotional manga or movies. Once maybe of loneliness and that’s it. I’m proud to say I’ve touch rock bottom twice and I climb up each time.

Possessive Love

People say, to love doesn’t mean to own but I find myself unable to walk this path. I was very young when I realize I was always the one left behind, under whatever circumstances, by whoever that happened to be in my life at that moment. I understand people come and go, I do, but I also think that because of it, it enforces my lone wolf nature. I don’t need that many people in my life but the ones that stays I make sure to treasure them. In effect, for the people I love, particularly my lovers, because I can’t bear the thought of being alone again, I maintain this sorta pull and push motion. I let them do what they want while being needy at the same time. I want them only to be mine but I also don’t want to restrict them, after all I also need that space for myself.

So I don’t understand why people always say if you truly love them, you must let them go. I can’t and I won’t. If you call that selfish, so it may be. I want to bound myself to just one person and have that one special person bound to me. I need the reassurance that I, who grew up alone and who live most of the adult life alone, won’t leave this world alone.

When I was little the only thing constant was being poor. As I grew up, it was the lost of guidance and as an adult, ironically,  it’s my parents who lives thousands of miles away as well as the job and my constant struggle to stay in this so called land of freedom. I want to change my life. Maybe it’s time to come back and try something different. Maybe this time, the constant thing in my life will be the one I have always wished for.