I’m baaaack!!

Wow! I haven’t been here since July 24th and boy do I feel great! The work out, the diet, the change of habits, they all work out for me. No pun intended. I’ve lost more than 15 lbs and still counting. I have a newfounded self confidence and most of all, my stress level goes waaaay down. I think realizing that a bit of self help can do you good is important and I am glad I listen to my professor.

I haven’t feel this happy – this calm – since forever. My life has always been in turmoil over one thing after another so it’s great not to constantly worry over my future every second, just take a deep breath and cleanse the brain. I stop over think things and let bygones be bygones. I’ve focused more on my well being, my health and I don’t mean just physically. Caring about oneself is also important.

Take it day by day not months by months. I also stopped listening to my dad’s pessimistic preachings. Do me no good and only brought me down. Not saying I turn a 180 and become an optimist in one night but I think being one will bring me places because optimist people don’t bring themselves down and keep trying and they won’t feel overly disappointed when things don’t go their way, instead, it’s like when one door closes, there will always be another one open and I intend to make it my personal motto from now on.

Anyways, I haven’t been back since because I’ve felt better than ever, I have nothing bad to report. No angst, maybe I cried once or twice but it’s not as often as before and it’s definitely not of self pity, just over some emotional manga or movies. Once maybe of loneliness and that’s it. I’m proud to say I’ve touch rock bottom twice and I climb up each time.

Possessive Love

People say, to love doesn’t mean to own but I find myself unable to walk this path. I was very young when I realize I was always the one left behind, under whatever circumstances, by whoever that happened to be in my life at that moment. I understand people come and go, I do, but I also think that because of it, it enforces my lone wolf nature. I don’t need that many people in my life but the ones that stays I make sure to treasure them. In effect, for the people I love, particularly my lovers, because I can’t bear the thought of being alone again, I maintain this sorta pull and push motion. I let them do what they want while being needy at the same time. I want them only to be mine but I also don’t want to restrict them, after all I also need that space for myself.

So I don’t understand why people always say if you truly love them, you must let them go. I can’t and I won’t. If you call that selfish, so it may be. I want to bound myself to just one person and have that one special person bound to me. I need the reassurance that I, who grew up alone and who live most of the adult life alone, won’t leave this world alone.

When I was little the only thing constant was being poor. As I grew up, it was the lost of guidance and as an adult, ironically,  it’s my parents who lives thousands of miles away as well as the job and my constant struggle to stay in this so called land of freedom. I want to change my life. Maybe it’s time to come back and try something different. Maybe this time, the constant thing in my life will be the one I have always wished for.

Who should make the first move?

Thinking back, all of my crushes and or relationship began with me taking the first move. Whether it was the first contact, the first “would you date me?” confession, the first kiss or the first touch, it would always begin with me.I don’t know if it was because I haven’t yet met the person who would take the first step instead of always thinking the other person would do it for them. I’m an initiator. I don’t think of myself as an overtly aggressive person, just enough to get things movin’. Maybe it’s the ‘I don’t care for the waiting game” attitude. I definitely am not a patient person. You can ask my friends what’s it like to come into a crowded place with me. Yep, that’s right, I’ll suggest to leave in a second. I am not made to wait in line for hours.

Anyhow, back in topic, people thinks that lesbians of the masculine variation loves being the aggressive, domineering one. Short one step of being a cave man…or a straight male. Not to say that all straight males are cave men…really. Because deep down, I think a change of role is refreshing. I don’t know if I’ll admit this to my next girlfriend but I want to be pampered too. In short, wined and dined, driven home or onto hers, I don’t think I would particularly care at this point, and fuck like rabbits. Now, that’s a hot date! Certainly not very little princess-y like because the things I want would blow those princess-y things out of the water. For example, I would like to get an erotic massage from my woman. Nothing sexier than to get an ero-massage in the nude by an equally nude masseuse who you happen to love. (Grin) I would also love for my woman to buy me gadgets, since I’m a geek. So you see, not a princess at all.

Another thing I wished I had voiced out during my last relationship is that I don’t want to always be on top. Sometimes I would like my girl to top me, that’s why I said from the beginning I’m versatile. Duh! Looks can be very deceiving (to people so fond of stereotyping.) But beyond that, I was a fool for believing when my ex told me she was also a versatile. Well…after doing the deed many times after, I found out it wasn’t true. At best, she was a bottom trying to be comfortable topping someone she perceived should do the topping. Sigh. I can tell you, she squashed my fantasy right then and there. I sorta wished that sometimes she could be the one sweeping me off my feet and making me submit under her sexy femme (or butch) topping quality.

Anyway, I want to end my musings by saying, maybe I am too, trapped in this stereotyping web conditioned by society and in the things we daily interacted with because I feel like I can tell all this stuff to my (future) girlfriend if she’s butchier than me, cuz then it would totally be valid if I want her to be the domineering one. Haha…so I really shouldn’t complain about my last ex cuz we both are just brain washed by what’s deemed the natural order. I just need to get over myself on this one.

and if you can’t read between the lines, I go for either butch or femme but I don’t like anything too extreme on either end and that goes for the bois and the gender queer people too. One thing for sure, they must have female bodies and able to touch or be touched.

Peace Out.

French Kissing Cathy

Okay. Don’t laugh but I just remembered my dream last night. Before I went to sleep I was reading a lesbian fan fiction and the 2 main characters were kissing passionately. Let’s just say, it slip its way into my unconsciousness because I dreamt about lying down in the bed with Cathy and our faces getting closer and closer together until she took the final step and close the distance between our lips.

In the beginning, it was just 2 lips touching, teasing, feeling the softness. It was light and sweet, the kind of first kisses between 2 persons, until I suddenly leap forward and press my lips harder. (Blush) My god, just thinkin’ about it making me hot all over again! She reciprocated by opening up her mouth and in the process, mine as well. Tongues exploring the depth of each other’s mouth, discovering, sliding back and forth, wet and lusty….Cathy’s hands started to wander to my chest and… I’ll stop here lest it’ll turn into a porno. (gushing nosebleed)

I guess I was surprised for suddenly remembering this  dream and recalling the sexy parts hahaha…I shouldn’t though since Cathy has Jill. Sigh…it’s been forever since I had any action and I keep dreaming sex dreams, is it my body’s way of telling me I need to get laid? lol.

Meetings

I went to my second meeting today and I met mostly the same people from last month save a couple people. I really like these people and in particular I was taken to 1 couple and a woman. They were very sympathetic but beyond that I feel like they get me. Even if they don’t know how it’s like to get through what I get through they are showing that they are willing to help any way they can. One of them even offer a spare bedroom on their house. To me….a stranger. I was so touched.

This time I make sure I got their email addresses because I have lots of questions, mainly having to do with how to handle my parents…or my dad, because he’s the one stuck, not progressing at all. The husband in the couple is really nice and I was really taken to him. I wanted my dad to be like him. Actually…I want him to be my dad.

I was emotionally drained by the time the meeting was over and I didn’t really wanna go home, so I called up my friend and we hang out at her house, with her new friend. She fed me spaghetti and garlic bisquick for dinner. Yum! Then we go play ask intimate questions while smoking weed. Well they did, I wasn’t. Weed makes me having a bad cough the next  day, and I always ended up feeling like my lungs were stuffed with cotton balls.

We watched True Blood and Hung, talk, play with the kittens, talk some more, then we play the ask intimate questions round 2…focusing on sex…my idea. Bad, bad idea. I was the only novice one, I felt like a loser. My friend quickly ends the game and gave us ride home. I think she felt my mood going down. All in all, not a bad day. We did promise to hang out again on the weekend. Maybe go to Sisters and watch Harry Potter next Sunday.

As I’m writing this, I noted how whenever I feel down lately, I always think about going to the gym. No wonder my knees been hurting a lot lately. Maybe I should find a new outlet, or I could always go back to Rosie the palm and her five friends.

Black Hole

It’s been a rough week. I cried every day, sometimes I can’t stop for an hour. Everything around me gradually changes color. I can’t feel happy anymore and I know why. I feel like my fate is at the end waiting for the impending doom.

I’ve been working so hard, stressing over the trials of life, just for the sake of being able to live freely as a gay woman in this country. I know it’s not that great. There are various parts of the country that are still backwards towards gays acceptance but at least it’s trying and there are laws that can protect you against hate crimes.  Where I come from….no such things as protection for gays, in fact most people encourage punishments for gay people. It is not yet an islamic country but it has a good chance to be one in the near future and Islam has zero tolerance on homosexuality. It’s about the fear of the unknown. What’s my life gonna be like? Will I be able to seek employment?Will I be able to be out, live comfortably with my partner and not getting stoned?

I’m scared shitless and I can’t stop screaming inside my head. My hopes, my dreams…all will be extinguished once I go back home, because although living here out and proud is certainly a good thing, being illegal and hunted by the government is not a life I envisioned for myself but my option is very limited and I may choose to go back, but that also means I have to go back in the closet, and I refuse to do so.

I’m scared shitless because my support network, however small they may be, are all here. Here, I feel like I would be able to ask for help from various organizations. I have a non discriminating job and I’m able to live my life as I see fit. I have no one back home who could help me if something bad were to happen, not even my own parents, no job, no place of my own, no support system.

My parents are still hoping I would try to change. They don’t understand me. They don’t understand being gay is not a choice. What will happen to me? If suicide is not the answer then what is? How can I make them to understand they are the ones who needs to change?

HOW?

Carpe Diem

I haven’t write anything in the past week, I know. I’ve been busy with life, mostly with my focus on losing weight. I started weight training and cardio. To my surprise, I discovered that I love training and I’ve been swimming almost every other day. I  loved swimming as a kid and I enjoy the opportunity that I could, once again, go back to it as an adult. The result so far is good, I lost 4 pounds in 2 weeks and I’m proud of myself =). From 261 lbs to 257 lbs, still 56 lbs more to go. I’m not aiming for an ambitious goal because I know myself. I’ll go crazy pushing myself to the limit and it’s not good. I like to do this slow and easy and I thought it would be hard and well, it wasn’t too hard because I still eat anything I want, I just cut the portion to half. I don’t eat 3/5 times a day as advised. On the days that I work, as in making money, sometimes I only eat twice a day and it’s not even as much as I used to eat. I begin to incorporate a lot of walking, fruits and vegetables on my daily lives. I also drink more water. I feel so energized!

At first I got night sweats almost every night and I can’t go to sleep right away even though my body feels so tired. I discovered later that it’s a process. I haven’t work out like this in years, so the body needs a chance to breathe and get used to it. The past 3 days have been good because I was able to tire myself more and falling asleep is generally easy. The muscle soreness however, needed a bit more time to get used to although it’s getting better. I wonder if everyone who’s working out experience soreness everyday, no matter how little it is.

Besides deciding to live healthier and losing weight, I also decide to involve myself with something I had long abandoned: educating my parents on the matter of lesbianism. But first, I need to educate myself (I was flailing for answers when my mom asked questions.) so I bought several recommended books and read them. I planned to send these back home. I joined a pflag group last month and it was so good for my soul, I almost cried several times during conversations with several of the parents. They were so loving and accepting of their kids. This one dad told me how he was the one who had to coaxed his wife to be more supporting with the help of their lesbian daughter and I had wish my dad was also like that. I just can’t get over this resentment that even now I am still the black sheep of the family. Another skeleton in the family closet and a disappointment. I don’t know why I care, after all these years knowing this and yet I can’t shake the wanting to be accepted and to be viewed as a child they can be proud of.  My dad especially, has expressed his view of me as this weak person who has no will to change my sexual orientation. He conclude my being gay as the influence of my friends, the tv, and living in America, while I see him as the one who’s comfortable in his ancient ways of seeing things. I have stated I am not the one to change as it can not be changed. They are the ones who needs to change.

In the midst of all that, I didn’t forget about the pressing matter in hands, namely my responsibility to managed my status and still going to school but at the time being, I want to enjoy life to the fullest. Que Sera Sera, whatever happens happens. I figured I will only have one year left so I want to do everything I can and see where things goes. I want to be happy, burdens be damned!

Parents Who Cried Foul

I remember one time my mom told me how she’s always worried about me not being able to make friends easily. I was in 1st grade. I don’t know how this memory survive all these years as I have not many memories left from the time I was 9 years old and younger. What I do remember sharply is how I begin to have behavioral problems with people around me, especially  teachers and classmates, always defiantly arguing with them or get into fights. This went on until I graduated from junior high.

Memory: I was 12 years old when I joined a choir group at the church especially formed for kids at my mother’s request. I loved the activities and I got along with almost everybody and almost right after I joined there was this new teacher’s assistant named Lia who I soon grew attached to. I would bring her comics every week, ones that I bought by my carefully saved pocket money or steal from my grandma (I wasn’t a very good kid back then.) I would try to talk to her, get close, show her my childhood pictures (I was a really cute kid!) and hang out with her after each practice. I failed to mention, she’s 6 years older than I am. I think this is where my love for older women came from, but I digress.

Two years later, 3 things happened at the same time which in no way I have prepared for. My parents suddenly announced they were going to America to work and leave us kids (me and my bro) to tend for ourselves with the money they’d send every 3 months. Then came another bad news, the choir teacher I adored was going to leave us to become a priest, the group was going to be fall apart and immediately I realized, I, who had fallen in love with Lia will now have to be separated from her. A week after, Lia asked me to sit down with her and talk. She told me that I need to let her go and go on with my life. She can’t be there for me anymore and so I now need to go find someone else to be my anchor. I didn’t immediately understand why she did that. I got mad, I cried and I stalked her. Years later I realized that she probably knew I was gay. That talk didn’t deter me and I kept visiting her on her new workplace , staging not so a coincidence meetings until I graduated high school. I didn’t tell her I was going to US to study, I just…vanished. I thought it’s a punishment to her for breaking my heart and now that I’m gone surely she’ll miss me. I know now she probably won’t miss me. If anything she’ll feel relieved the annoying love struck stalker is gone.

Why am I writing my sad stupid past here and why tonight? Well, I’ve been contemplating of how my parents never really understood me as a gay person, never tried to. They never ask what’s going on in my life beyond what they want or already know and just need a follow up, or if they had any inclinations, they’d keep it to themselves preferring not to ask me about it. In short, they never asked about my love life or anything pertaining to the gay side of me. They never knew how lonely and depressed I felt after they left. I denied the fact myself whenever people ask me in those days. I’d say I was never bothered by them gone, I was fine with it, I was acting tough…and inside, I was breaking apart. I no longer have anyone to support me, to guide me, then Lia left me as well and as a result I became totally lost in the dark depression hole.

For two years I acted out in my own silent ways. Never told anybody how I really felt, they never ask anyhow, never really cared. I fight back everyone around me even when there was no need to. Then I started to realize this feelings I have since I was a kid, I found out a name for it, “Gay and Lesbian”.

At first I would say it in my head, then I would practice mouthing it in front of a mirror. Before long, I’d say it to myself, standing in front of the same mirror, watching my own lips moved forming this foreign word yet familiar, “I’m a lesbian.” over and over until I feel comfortable. I have never looked back since.

But even when I accepted my gay self with no problem, I maintained the moody, angry teenager mode, as I move along with every best friend who broke my heart. I had no positive gay role model, I had no one telling me it’s ok to be gay and I swirled directionless. My life was one empty black hole ready to swallow me whole and I almost let it.

I attempted to cut myself in an attempt to relieve the pressures. I chickened out. I became even more self destructive. Around that time, I gained a license to a motor bike and I would drove it carelessly hoping maybe a truck will hit and instantly killed me. I wanted to end my miserable existence. I continued this destructive pattern for 2 years and drove away any friends I had because they were either too afraid to be friends with me or they don’t wanna get killed along with me.

I have never told my parents how I thought about killing myself. I don’t think they want to know. If they’re asking me to try to change and find a man to date, why can’t they do the same? Try to understand their daughter. To imagine how I live as a gay person, to see things from my perspective, to know how it felt when homophobia attacked. Instead, all they can muster in an effort to attack me was why I refuse to try to change. “Why won’t you go see a shrink or a pastor at least and find out their point of view?” They asked, and I would always reply the same, “Can’t fix what’s not broken.”

Lie To Me, The Mentalist, Damages, Bones

I’ve just finished watching season 1 of Lie to Me and I’m on episode 21 on The Mentalist. If there is any similarity I can detect between both tv shows, it must be that it was made to make men look superior. Both  characters are portrayed as confident, rude, obnoxious, get in your face, I-have-way-more-intelligent-than-you-do men who treats their female co-worker/employee/boss like they’re worthless. Not the actors’ fault I know that, they did their job fantastically.

What I resent is the writers. It’s all about male power. Who’s your daddy, that kind of thing. Makes me wonder if they resent female power, have daddy issues or still stuck to their immature college days. Doesn’t seem to be able to get past that from what I’ve seen. Basically the same formula on each episode. They get a case, males start to bark orders, doesn’t matter who’s in charge, the penis is. Females are used as secondary story supporter/investigator/eye candy, but in the end… males go on being the smart, know-it-all and BAM! Case is solved, all thanks to the little penis’ intelligence/talent. They take all the glory.<Yawn> Bo~ring.

I also found another aspect of these shows. It’s called brain washing the subconscious of the masses until they don’t know any better. If anyone know me, they know I hate shits like this the most. I watched the shows till the end because I wanna know if they show any sign of power balance shift or respect to their female counter part. None, nichts, nada. I found neither by the end of the seasons. I know I and other people who recognizes the recurrent males-are-superior bullshit won’t be watching next season.

Compared to Damages which stars Glen Close, I’m much more willing to watch this than any of the above. Close plays Patty,  a most cunning, successful and powerful attorney. Not because she play by the rules but because she bend the rules when she needed to, which is almost every time she had a case. She is tough, respected and feared. She use people like toilet tissues, figuratively speaking. She’s not afraid to cheat, being mean, or kill people who hinders her goal. She barks orders and she’s got a right hand man who’s being shoved around like he’s nothing. Almost all of the male characters in the show who crosses path with Patty get burned, one way or the other. I like seeing these portrayed in a woman. Beat the stereotype that a woman is  supposed to be meek, obedient and soft speaking, quiet with good manners, polite and respectful, none of which is expected of males. I want to see more characters like Glen Close’s Patty on tv. I can only hope the show is being renewed for season 3.

After ranting and dishing all the other shows, I must conclude this with a paragraph (or two!) of opinion about a show I love: Bones!  Dr. Temperance Brennan (Emily Deschanel) is one of the most curious, intelligent, gorgeous female professor I’ve ever seen. Albeit she does lack the emotion when it comes to relating to people in social settings, (not in the bed department tho’, according to Brennan.) Add to that her obvious fondness of dead people’s bones, hence the ‘Bones’ nickname given to her by her partner, Seeley Booth (David Boreanaz). He’s a sensitive soul, macho but sweet and he respect women. It shows in his demeanor and in the way he treats people.

I like them both and I don’t usually root for straight couples, but they’re too adorable not to be together. Thankfully the show is renewed for next season and I hope it’s not the last. The writers always managed to keep it fresh with new cases, the on-going inner affair of the people in the Smithsonian Institute and Bones/Booth pairing which we need to see happen. Besides I wanna know if the writers are gonna give Angela a new female love interest or threw her back to Hodgins. He’s not bad I suppose, but a little too insecure despite his good looks and being filthy rich. Angie can do better, preferably with a female.

Snobs

I have problems with snobs. Snob usually thinks they’re better than anyone else. The kind of snobs I wanna talk here is no different except they think they are specialists in their own fields. I’ll give you three people I have problems with.

First one is Mizuno Youko from Yurizuki and second is nocturnalmoon from Tokudane. Both seems to think that they are great contributors in the online manga world so they deserve to act like snobs.

Something like a mistake in a manga release is not tolerable according to Youko and while a famous scanlation site is recently making numerous mistakes itself on their releases, apparently no one dares to criticize the group, or to be exact Youko didn’t because she’s affiliated with them. Playing favorites aren’t we?

Nocturnalmoon is a different case altogether. The site she has is used for updating the yaoi/yuri releases made by other scanlation groups, and while I’m sure it’s ‘hard work’ updating so many releases by many different scanlation groups, she could do with a little respect by not making a mistake on misspelling the character’s name and no judging others before finding out what the problem is. After all, scanlating manga is also a hard work, dare I say even harder than merely updating the releases. She should quit being so sensitive.

The last one is Katatsumuri, the owner of ishiyoshi blogspot. She’s known for her mood swings and temper as well as her sharp tongue. When people throw her comments she didn’t like, she’ll respond by calling them demented. What a surprise, the kettle is calling the pot black. With that kind of attitude, is it really any wonder people flame her so frequently? Because she can’t stand it, she’ll close the comments section or she’ll put up a notice saying the site will stop updating, for yet the umpteenth times. Temper tantrums eh? Only a coward will close the comments section and only a coward will go to other sites, read the comments and make a personal attack on those people in her own site by calling them stupid idiots who can’t see facts. I can only see this person as an immature, petulant child. If you can’t accept criticism, you’re not ready for the adult world, so go play among other children in the sandbox.

I used to admire these people before I got burnt by their snobbish attitude. Coincidentally they’re all females… I think. Don’t quote me on that. If it’s true then it’s funny because I usually get along better with females but maybe they’re the bitchy kind, or maybe the internet brought the worse out of people. After all, under this cloak of anonymity, you’re free to be as rude as you want without repercussion.

This grudge I have, I hope I can forget it by writing this post. I don’t wanna carry hate with me everywhere. It requires mental power and energy. These people don’t care they’re hated. They sleep well every night and I should too. Everything in this world has karma and I believe they’ll get theirs.

“Apa yang kamu tabur, itulah yang kamu tuai”